Here out of guilt.

I'm not gonna lie. I really have nothing to say today. I just feel really bad that it's been over a month and I have found nothing to inspire me to write an entry. So that means I have been inspired to write an entry by my lack of inspiration to write an entry.

I am also, obviously, very tired.

I really admire Bloggers who write everyday, even the bad writers, because there's something to be said for dedication and steadfastness even when it's sucky.

There is a giant Hello Kitty pumping wet air out of it's head in the cubicle next to me. It's a humidifier if you haven't guessed. Right now this seems worth mentioning.

The Holidays make me tired. Very langourous, I just want to find a fireplace somewhere and curl up next to it like an American Shorthair. And purrrrrrrr.

I have 5 minutes and counting. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand . . .

Note to self: Don't write when you have absolutley nothing to say.

A death in the office

One of our friendly office fishies had be flushed into the great white beyond. :-(
It was Cindy Crawford (see July posts for discussion of fish name). She was a good fish, always swimming, always orange, always the first one up to the top at feeding time. She will be missed.

May the Best Woman Win . . . ( aka: Pam)

Who said this blog had to be exclusively about MY office??? Nobody. So today I want to bring your attention to another exciting establiment other than my office - The Office.

For those of you who don't follow the show (8:30 Thursday nights NBC) You are truly missing out and I suggest you spend the next 48 hours catching up on season's one two and the first 4 episodes of season three. You will thank me, because you will appreciate the following:


http://www.lindsayism.com/2006/11/why_im_on_team_.html

http://www.zulkey.com/diary_archive_111306.html

go team Pam, go Team Pam, Go Team Pam, go team PAM, go TEAM PAM, GO TEAM PAM!!!!!!!

A short days journey into night . . .at 4:30 in the freakin afternoon.

Has anyone else been suffering from post traumatic daylight savings syndrome??? It's 4:30 and I want to go to bed! I fell asleep at my desk yesterday. This is the first time I have held a desk job during the annual transition to shorter days, and so it is with a little discomfort that I've found myself not just bored but simply exhausted. I felt tired just flipping open my cell phone. . . . and I just ran a marathon a few weeks ago; something is definitely not right.

I guess it is the age old question of how much our experience of reality vs. reality's reality changes what we see and how we feel. 4:30 is still 4:30 but in darkness, everything that is the same feels even more langourous and drawn out at 4:30 than it did before. Is this psychobabble making sense? Another example - I was eating a salad for lunch the other day and some of the dressing had spilled inside the to-go bag that was housing said salad. Damn. I was sad ( I love salad dressing!) but I neatly deposited the remaining dressing onto my salad and munched away. I was so surprised that this little bit of salad dressing was really distributing itself very evenly on every peice of lettuce, draping itself just enough over each crumb of crouton and nibble of corn. There was even left over dressing swirling around the bottom of the plastic salad container to spare. It was simply DELISH, but when I got to the bottom of my barrel of salad and started to try and soak up the dressing, I realized that there was no extra dressing inside the container, there was dressing UNDERNEATH the container that just "appeared" to be at the bottom, the spilled amount was just floating between the bag and my clear plastic salad container. It was all a mirage. Then I started to realize that there wasn't much salad dressing, I could barely taste it. Had my mind overpowered the my underdressed mesclun greens into seeming scruptiousness?

Yes, with enough time on my hands and more than enough boreddom, this is really what I think about.

Halloween Recap

I wish I had taken more pictures of the office,which was covered in webbing and pumpkin paraphernalia but this will have to do.

Exhibit 1 - Slightly overfed spider hanging out above my desk for the past 2 weeks:



Wish I had taken more pictures of the Costume contest, which featured Borat, The Ghostbusters and Marshmellowman, Jack (in the Box), Whitney Houston, Pinochio, and Snakes On A Plane (girl dressed as stewardess with Snakes attached to her....clever girl), among many many more (there were 56 entries) including yours truly's, Orange Fantana.

I am Floor Warden. Hear me roar (and calmy proceed to the nearest emergency exit)

About two weeks ago, I volunteered myself to represent the third floor as the Emergency Warden. This is not a particulary thrilling position. No one else wanted to do it. Our secretary sent out an emotional plee for someone to please please pretty please take it because she already had too many office duties to her name. So I thought to myself, "Could this be any more embarrassing than karaoking Christina Aigulera's 'Beautiful'in front of 30 of my coworkers(which I had done the previous week)? I think not." So I said I would do it. What more dignity did I have to lose??? I'm still not really sure, but what I am sure of is that it's ALL gone now, gone with the fire extinguisher fumes . . . or the wind. Whatever.

I thought I might look dorkishly cool in the supposed emergency vest I was to wear during our fire drill. I had envisioned a heavy duty fabric (a la CalTrans workers) with reflective patterning and multiple pockets in which I could entrust important materials, like company rosters and gum wrappers, but was instead provided with what resembles am orange tarp with two holes (one would assume for the two arms, but the way this thing is put together, I'm really not quite sure). It's a shame that I have no good pitures of me attempting to not feel retarded walking down the emergency stairwell in my crinkled-up sorry exuse for an emergency jacket. But hey, everybody's got to take one for the team sometimes, and my turn just happend to come in flourescent orange. The flip-side - I did get a big dorkishly cool fake certificate of excellence presented to me. It's nice to be appreciated
(if you can't make it out - the writing underneath my name says, "Given in recognition of your outstanding effort and achievement, Official Floor Warden"

Office Communication (or lack there of) At Its Finest!

Since reproducing company correspondences could in fact lead to my immediete "dismissal" I have changed and deleted a lot of the information that accompanied these emails, but believe you me, I have not changed anything in regards to actual text. This email chain really happend today . . .

Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 1:51 PM
To: Sarah Haufrect
Cc: Ms. Prim Print Lady; Mr. Cool Boss
Subject:Communication Letter
Importance: High

Hi Sarah:

Did you write a communication letter for the ******** Bottles? This would be a letter for NEW customers. I have not seen it in any emails yet.

Thanks!
~ Mr. Lazy Project Coordinator

Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 1:52 PM
To: Lazy Project coordinator; Prim Print Lady
Cc: Sarah Haufrect
Subject: RE: Communication Letter

The letter is done. Print Lady, would you paste the text in a reply to Lazy Project manager?

Thanks.
~Mr. Cool Boss


< Print Lady sends Letter to Project Coordinator >


Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 2:00 PM
To: Print Lady; Ms.Random Casualty of email chain; Ms. Non Communicado
Cc: Sarah Haufrect; Mr. Cool Boss
Subject: RE: RE:Communication Letter


1. This is the continuity letter, which will require Non Communicado's final approval before sending to the printer. If Legal had no changes, then it should be good to go. Let’s send that out today.

2. I’m looking for the “communication letter” (terribly confusing naming convention going on here)…let’s call it the “welcome letter” for new customers…

a) Has it been written?

b) If so, what’s the status

c) If not, we need to do it ASAP. Deadline is 10/9

~ Freaked Out Project Coordinator


Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 2:01 PM
To: Lazy Project Manager; Ms. Random Email Casualty ; Print Lady
Cc: Sarah Haufrect; Mr. Cool Boss
Subject: RE:RE:RE: Communication Letter


Since this is for [ name of failing product] we are not currently doing any acquisitions for [ name of failing product] we do not need a new welcome letter.

~ Ms. Non Communicado


Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 2:02 PM
To: Ms. Non Communicado; Print Lady; Ms. Random Email Casualty
Cc: Sarah Haufrect; Mr. Cool Boss
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Communication Letter

Ah…thank you Ms Non comminucado!!!

~ Pissed Project Coordinator


Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 2:03 PM
To: Sarah Haufrect
Cc: The whole big lot of them
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: Communication Letter

Sarah, this means you don't have to write it.

~Mr. Cool Boss


Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 2:04 PM
To: Mr. Cool Boss
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE - Communication Letter

Got it – wow. That was ridiculous.

~Sarah

Why I Like My Boss

The Creative Director, who oversees all designer and editorial operations sent out a company email to the creative department with the subject heading: OMG! WTF!

This is what was inside:

Announcement

It has taken much deliberation, both on my part and on that of my cohorts, I mean co-workers, and we have reached our final answer. We are going to be Fanta Girls for the Halloween Office party.

We have much work to do in preparation. More to come on this.

Playing Hooky

Last Monday I went on a 40 mile bike ride. I fell off my bike about 2/3's of the way through, got up and rode the rest of the way, wiith what I found out later was a hairline fracture in my elbow. That's when the fun began. I got a big cast on my arm that prevented me from performing a few basic, but absolutely necassary functions to appear in public (fasten bra straps, zip zippers, lace shoes, put deoderant on, etc.) I made the executive decision to spare my fellow employees the discomfort of working in close range of me and worked from home. So by Thursday, I was feeling pretty good. Working from home was fun, I decided leave a little early because work was so slow, so I'm with my buddy cruising up the escalator at 3:45 and who just happens to be at the top, staring straight at me? The excutive director of my company. He kindly greeted me with a monotone voice and look of confusion: "What'd you do to your arm?"

"I broke it. I'm a clutz"

"Oh. Well take care of it"

"Thanks."

End of scene and beginning of feeling like an idiot for cruising the mall and running into my boss's boss's boss. Then again - What the fuck was HE doing at the mall at 3:45 on a work day. I didn't see his arm in a cast! But that didn't matter of course, and he did call the office immediately to "tell on me" and make sure I had cleared the day as a formal day off with the office. Grrrrrrrrr.

So let this be a warning: When you play hooky - Don't injure yourself and do NOT run into your boss!

Office Parties

There are few corporate events that rival the "office party" in the ability to embarrass, humiliate, and (in doing so) immortalize your reputation amongst your coworkers. As such, I avoid parties of this nature unless there is an easliy accesible look-out spot from which to view the sordid debauchery without putting myself in harm's way. So, as you can imagine, I was a little hesistant when all my co-workers decided to attend our company-wide party, to celebrate our newly built office building.

I wavered, I backed out, I reconsidered, and several more repetitions of the same three actions later . . . I found myself standing around a massive courtyard schmoozing with 300 people drinking beer in the searing heat. In truth, I must admit, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There was free booze. My coworkers and I pondered the great questions of life ("So do you think that chick over there is trying to pick up on the dude wearing the nice shoes - she's ALL over him?)And 45 minutes later the festivities were officially old, the goodie bags were discovered to be lame and shamefully promotional, and we were ready to roll.

Just as we were on our way, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted an extremely friendly fellow who started an extremely friendly website that is a place for friends - and he's friends with everyone. (HINT HINT WINK WINK)

You may recognize him in the photo below. He's a good guy actually. As in, he didn't run for dear life when accosted by two hyper giggly chicks vying for a photo op. :-)

Random Things that Occur in My Office at Regular Intervals

1.) In house Mini-put golf tournaments

2.) Hallway Dance class

3.) People speaking in Russian accents. (?????)

4.) Plastic Motorized hamster sitings

5.) Nintendo Fight Night matches and foozeball games in the arcade room

6.) Cubicle yard sales

7.) Instant messages containing cartoons charaters with the heads of various employees photoshopped on them

8.) Analytical conversations about simulated images of womens' asses. (We sell cellulite cream, stuff like, "OH! We need to make her ass WAY more ripply")

9.) Bimonthly afternoon group trips to the pet store to restock our aquarium and gather fishy supplies. Our office fish are Robby, Marty, Lola, and Cindy Crawford(she has a mole, so...).

10.) No one doing anything that even resembles work on Friday afternoons after 4 pm . . . kinda like right about now.

Our friendly office psychopathic serial killer/possible child molester

Today, I'd like to talk a little bit about one of my bosses. We think he's crazy. At first glance - you would probably think, normal upstanding citizen with a little too much hair gel. But then, he might look at you, and his shoulders might start to hunch and he would move, no, leer very erratically and manacingly in your general direction, and then he might even lean in ever so slightly as he passes by you and in his deep raspy whispering voice utter with just a little too much force and absolutely no smile, "Hello There." And then a little chill might run down your spin and you'd walk briskly away thinking, "That guys a fucking WEIR-DO!" Yeah, that's one of my bosses. Luckily we don't have to speak to him much, or be in the same room with him, since most people begin to sweat, fidget or hyperventilate when he's around. My only run-in with the man went a little something like this.

Setting: Break room (There is a coffee maker and an expresso machine on different ends of the room)

Sarah: [preps coffee maker]

Friendly Office Psychopath (FOP): You prefer coffee . . . . to expresso . . . . [voice sounds distant yet ominously close]

Sarah: [turning head to face Mr.Fop] oh, um yeah.

FOP: Ah...I see . . .[looks contemplatively down at puke orange break room counter]

Sarah: Yep.

LONG SILENCE ENSUES

FOP: I used to be that way. A latte here. A mocha there. But I've moved on . . . to the hard stuff. [does not smile or make any facial expression whatsoever]

Sarah: Yeah, I'm not much for expresso. I'm kind of a sissy coffee drinker of sorts.

FOP: Ah. I see.

{Exit Sarah at a hastened pace}


We're all making bets here on what year he'll be incriminated for something foul.

Setting the Scene

So this right here is where the magic happens - Sarah's little grey lifeless cubicle. Well actually, my office "real estate" is quite spacious. I even have my own closet to hang up my coat(I have yet to use it). My cube decor is relatively conservative in comparison to most of my co-workers, but I didn't want to go posting pictures of the others' personal workspaces on the internet without their express permission (and you know how long those permission slips take so I'm just skipping it all together), but I will describe some to you. Just a few examples would be:

Co-worker Purple - has 7 varieties of My Little Ponies stuck along the front side of her cube along with a large stuffed animal manatee. Yes, a manatee. Look it up.

Co-worker 80's power pop pink - has a large dangling frog, a small collection of beanie babies and a large collection of Hot Wheels Monster Trucks scattered around her desk. One car actually has a white Mohawk glued to its top. Bad Ass

Co-worker steel blue - is ALL about the Sponge bob... nuff said.



Moving on with our office tour bring me to the large displays of random crap one sees atop various cubicles, with the most elabote being the montage of used holiday decor.


Mostly we have plastic bowling pins, nerf guns, and dart board supplies dotting the office landscape, but there's also an inflatable dolphin hanging from the ceiling in the south wing that I consider a very nice addition to the collection.




What also lends an "edgy" feel to our otherwise, sponge Bob-y, my little pony-esque, plastic bowling pin decorated office are massive industrial pipes covering our ceiling, providing providing refuge for retarded birds and massive croaking insects.

A warning to the reader

As many of my friends and family know, I have lots of free time at my job. And I get bored. VERY BORED. For awhile I utilized my idle time very effectively and happily roaming around the internet, chatting with friends on messenger, reading obscure blogs (to which this blog aspires one day to become), working on stuff for twixt, and so on. My travelblog took up a lot of time I would otherwise have spent cruising myspace or overheardinnewyork.com, but lately I've just lost all interest in the quotidienne time wasting activities to which I am accustomed. I have actually sat in front of my computer for extended periods of time and just, well, sitting there. It's pretty fucking pathetic. Today was one of those days. And I realized that so much of this time could be put to good use, even it is wasn't good, at least it would be put to some use. Then I remembered that ever so long ago I had this blogspot and posted up all the abstract poetry I used to love writing (which I was smart enough to take down so as not to embarrass myself) and that in truth, as boring as it is here for me, I work in a company that is rife with random entertaining shit, and if I could just sit back and observe and record what goes on around here, it might actually come in handy somewhere along the proverbial road. So, I've decided that when I've hit my wits end and nothing, nothing at all, can hold my interest, I can just set up shop here and talk about what a quirky group of people I work with and how bizarre my office functions. So, let this first post be a warning to you all - I am bored, I am wordy, and what you are about to read is being written because I have absolutely nothing better to do - proceed at your own discretion . . .