Office Communication (or lack there of) At Its Finest!

Since reproducing company correspondences could in fact lead to my immediete "dismissal" I have changed and deleted a lot of the information that accompanied these emails, but believe you me, I have not changed anything in regards to actual text. This email chain really happend today . . .

Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 1:51 PM
To: Sarah Haufrect
Cc: Ms. Prim Print Lady; Mr. Cool Boss
Subject:Communication Letter
Importance: High

Hi Sarah:

Did you write a communication letter for the ******** Bottles? This would be a letter for NEW customers. I have not seen it in any emails yet.

Thanks!
~ Mr. Lazy Project Coordinator

Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 1:52 PM
To: Lazy Project coordinator; Prim Print Lady
Cc: Sarah Haufrect
Subject: RE: Communication Letter

The letter is done. Print Lady, would you paste the text in a reply to Lazy Project manager?

Thanks.
~Mr. Cool Boss


< Print Lady sends Letter to Project Coordinator >


Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 2:00 PM
To: Print Lady; Ms.Random Casualty of email chain; Ms. Non Communicado
Cc: Sarah Haufrect; Mr. Cool Boss
Subject: RE: RE:Communication Letter


1. This is the continuity letter, which will require Non Communicado's final approval before sending to the printer. If Legal had no changes, then it should be good to go. Let’s send that out today.

2. I’m looking for the “communication letter” (terribly confusing naming convention going on here)…let’s call it the “welcome letter” for new customers…

a) Has it been written?

b) If so, what’s the status

c) If not, we need to do it ASAP. Deadline is 10/9

~ Freaked Out Project Coordinator


Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 2:01 PM
To: Lazy Project Manager; Ms. Random Email Casualty ; Print Lady
Cc: Sarah Haufrect; Mr. Cool Boss
Subject: RE:RE:RE: Communication Letter


Since this is for [ name of failing product] we are not currently doing any acquisitions for [ name of failing product] we do not need a new welcome letter.

~ Ms. Non Communicado


Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 2:02 PM
To: Ms. Non Communicado; Print Lady; Ms. Random Email Casualty
Cc: Sarah Haufrect; Mr. Cool Boss
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Communication Letter

Ah…thank you Ms Non comminucado!!!

~ Pissed Project Coordinator


Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 2:03 PM
To: Sarah Haufrect
Cc: The whole big lot of them
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: Communication Letter

Sarah, this means you don't have to write it.

~Mr. Cool Boss


Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 2:04 PM
To: Mr. Cool Boss
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE - Communication Letter

Got it – wow. That was ridiculous.

~Sarah

Why I Like My Boss

The Creative Director, who oversees all designer and editorial operations sent out a company email to the creative department with the subject heading: OMG! WTF!

This is what was inside:

Announcement

It has taken much deliberation, both on my part and on that of my cohorts, I mean co-workers, and we have reached our final answer. We are going to be Fanta Girls for the Halloween Office party.

We have much work to do in preparation. More to come on this.

Playing Hooky

Last Monday I went on a 40 mile bike ride. I fell off my bike about 2/3's of the way through, got up and rode the rest of the way, wiith what I found out later was a hairline fracture in my elbow. That's when the fun began. I got a big cast on my arm that prevented me from performing a few basic, but absolutely necassary functions to appear in public (fasten bra straps, zip zippers, lace shoes, put deoderant on, etc.) I made the executive decision to spare my fellow employees the discomfort of working in close range of me and worked from home. So by Thursday, I was feeling pretty good. Working from home was fun, I decided leave a little early because work was so slow, so I'm with my buddy cruising up the escalator at 3:45 and who just happens to be at the top, staring straight at me? The excutive director of my company. He kindly greeted me with a monotone voice and look of confusion: "What'd you do to your arm?"

"I broke it. I'm a clutz"

"Oh. Well take care of it"

"Thanks."

End of scene and beginning of feeling like an idiot for cruising the mall and running into my boss's boss's boss. Then again - What the fuck was HE doing at the mall at 3:45 on a work day. I didn't see his arm in a cast! But that didn't matter of course, and he did call the office immediately to "tell on me" and make sure I had cleared the day as a formal day off with the office. Grrrrrrrrr.

So let this be a warning: When you play hooky - Don't injure yourself and do NOT run into your boss!

Office Parties

There are few corporate events that rival the "office party" in the ability to embarrass, humiliate, and (in doing so) immortalize your reputation amongst your coworkers. As such, I avoid parties of this nature unless there is an easliy accesible look-out spot from which to view the sordid debauchery without putting myself in harm's way. So, as you can imagine, I was a little hesistant when all my co-workers decided to attend our company-wide party, to celebrate our newly built office building.

I wavered, I backed out, I reconsidered, and several more repetitions of the same three actions later . . . I found myself standing around a massive courtyard schmoozing with 300 people drinking beer in the searing heat. In truth, I must admit, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There was free booze. My coworkers and I pondered the great questions of life ("So do you think that chick over there is trying to pick up on the dude wearing the nice shoes - she's ALL over him?)And 45 minutes later the festivities were officially old, the goodie bags were discovered to be lame and shamefully promotional, and we were ready to roll.

Just as we were on our way, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted an extremely friendly fellow who started an extremely friendly website that is a place for friends - and he's friends with everyone. (HINT HINT WINK WINK)

You may recognize him in the photo below. He's a good guy actually. As in, he didn't run for dear life when accosted by two hyper giggly chicks vying for a photo op. :-)

Random Things that Occur in My Office at Regular Intervals

1.) In house Mini-put golf tournaments

2.) Hallway Dance class

3.) People speaking in Russian accents. (?????)

4.) Plastic Motorized hamster sitings

5.) Nintendo Fight Night matches and foozeball games in the arcade room

6.) Cubicle yard sales

7.) Instant messages containing cartoons charaters with the heads of various employees photoshopped on them

8.) Analytical conversations about simulated images of womens' asses. (We sell cellulite cream, stuff like, "OH! We need to make her ass WAY more ripply")

9.) Bimonthly afternoon group trips to the pet store to restock our aquarium and gather fishy supplies. Our office fish are Robby, Marty, Lola, and Cindy Crawford(she has a mole, so...).

10.) No one doing anything that even resembles work on Friday afternoons after 4 pm . . . kinda like right about now.

Our friendly office psychopathic serial killer/possible child molester

Today, I'd like to talk a little bit about one of my bosses. We think he's crazy. At first glance - you would probably think, normal upstanding citizen with a little too much hair gel. But then, he might look at you, and his shoulders might start to hunch and he would move, no, leer very erratically and manacingly in your general direction, and then he might even lean in ever so slightly as he passes by you and in his deep raspy whispering voice utter with just a little too much force and absolutely no smile, "Hello There." And then a little chill might run down your spin and you'd walk briskly away thinking, "That guys a fucking WEIR-DO!" Yeah, that's one of my bosses. Luckily we don't have to speak to him much, or be in the same room with him, since most people begin to sweat, fidget or hyperventilate when he's around. My only run-in with the man went a little something like this.

Setting: Break room (There is a coffee maker and an expresso machine on different ends of the room)

Sarah: [preps coffee maker]

Friendly Office Psychopath (FOP): You prefer coffee . . . . to expresso . . . . [voice sounds distant yet ominously close]

Sarah: [turning head to face Mr.Fop] oh, um yeah.

FOP: Ah...I see . . .[looks contemplatively down at puke orange break room counter]

Sarah: Yep.

LONG SILENCE ENSUES

FOP: I used to be that way. A latte here. A mocha there. But I've moved on . . . to the hard stuff. [does not smile or make any facial expression whatsoever]

Sarah: Yeah, I'm not much for expresso. I'm kind of a sissy coffee drinker of sorts.

FOP: Ah. I see.

{Exit Sarah at a hastened pace}


We're all making bets here on what year he'll be incriminated for something foul.

Setting the Scene

So this right here is where the magic happens - Sarah's little grey lifeless cubicle. Well actually, my office "real estate" is quite spacious. I even have my own closet to hang up my coat(I have yet to use it). My cube decor is relatively conservative in comparison to most of my co-workers, but I didn't want to go posting pictures of the others' personal workspaces on the internet without their express permission (and you know how long those permission slips take so I'm just skipping it all together), but I will describe some to you. Just a few examples would be:

Co-worker Purple - has 7 varieties of My Little Ponies stuck along the front side of her cube along with a large stuffed animal manatee. Yes, a manatee. Look it up.

Co-worker 80's power pop pink - has a large dangling frog, a small collection of beanie babies and a large collection of Hot Wheels Monster Trucks scattered around her desk. One car actually has a white Mohawk glued to its top. Bad Ass

Co-worker steel blue - is ALL about the Sponge bob... nuff said.



Moving on with our office tour bring me to the large displays of random crap one sees atop various cubicles, with the most elabote being the montage of used holiday decor.


Mostly we have plastic bowling pins, nerf guns, and dart board supplies dotting the office landscape, but there's also an inflatable dolphin hanging from the ceiling in the south wing that I consider a very nice addition to the collection.




What also lends an "edgy" feel to our otherwise, sponge Bob-y, my little pony-esque, plastic bowling pin decorated office are massive industrial pipes covering our ceiling, providing providing refuge for retarded birds and massive croaking insects.

A warning to the reader

As many of my friends and family know, I have lots of free time at my job. And I get bored. VERY BORED. For awhile I utilized my idle time very effectively and happily roaming around the internet, chatting with friends on messenger, reading obscure blogs (to which this blog aspires one day to become), working on stuff for twixt, and so on. My travelblog took up a lot of time I would otherwise have spent cruising myspace or overheardinnewyork.com, but lately I've just lost all interest in the quotidienne time wasting activities to which I am accustomed. I have actually sat in front of my computer for extended periods of time and just, well, sitting there. It's pretty fucking pathetic. Today was one of those days. And I realized that so much of this time could be put to good use, even it is wasn't good, at least it would be put to some use. Then I remembered that ever so long ago I had this blogspot and posted up all the abstract poetry I used to love writing (which I was smart enough to take down so as not to embarrass myself) and that in truth, as boring as it is here for me, I work in a company that is rife with random entertaining shit, and if I could just sit back and observe and record what goes on around here, it might actually come in handy somewhere along the proverbial road. So, I've decided that when I've hit my wits end and nothing, nothing at all, can hold my interest, I can just set up shop here and talk about what a quirky group of people I work with and how bizarre my office functions. So, let this first post be a warning to you all - I am bored, I am wordy, and what you are about to read is being written because I have absolutely nothing better to do - proceed at your own discretion . . .